i’m trying to write and breathe poetry

For some reason, I figured.  I’ll never come up with full sentences in this attempt to wake up the writer in me anyway.  So, I might as well just write poetry.  It’s an excuse to write in fragments and it’s an excuse to not be blatantly coherent.  

I’m trying to recall why I named my first Tumblr http://iwritetobreathe.tumblr.com

it’s one of those quiet nights

An eventful day.  Another 5 hour meeting that was ironically filled with a lot of laughs.  I’m grateful it felt like that.  I wasn’t sure I’d survive another 5 hour meeting of going around in circles.  But then days aren’t always as perfect as you’d want them to be.  A friend of mine called and said that my Mom got into an accident.  Suddenly I’m back thinking about concerns and anxieties.  My Mom is not getting younger.  Her recent operation still keeps her a bit fragile when she moves.  I’m just grateful that it’s nothing serious.  She sprained her ankle after tripping on some steps.  She had a difficult time walking and getting up.  I went home early to buy her dinner and a walking cane.  

Times are starting to change.  Roles are starting to feel reversed.  I wonder how life will be when they’ve completely made the change.  I feel like I’m feeling too old.  A part of me feels like I haven’t completely been young.  Perhaps it will manifest in another time. Incidentally I felt a little bit younger when two guys went to the office and sang some songs for us in the middle of our meeting.  It was part of our office’s Valentine’s Day celebration.  I welcomed the spontaneous break.  It’s been a while since I did something spontaneously like bursting into song in the middle of a product development meeting.

Such ironies.  

Tomorrow is another day and I’m just waiting for it to be over even before it’s started. Still I know I have to put my all into it and keep the hope that one day, my real career will just break out of me and I’ll have no regrets travelling this path.

today has exhausted me but i find myself hopeful.

The past few days have exhausted me.  Work continues to be a relentless activity that stifles me but I’ve subjected myself to a purification of intentions and now I’ve come to the acceptance that where I am currently working is a place that will never fulfill me but it will be a place where I can be a better person because I am learning to understand what I value and what I recognize to be more significant as I live my daily life.  

It’s 11:27pm and I’ve worked from 7:30 till now.  The rest of the hours after 6pm have been devoted doing Youth Ministry work.  This type of work doesn’t exhaust me as much as my occupation because I know that I’m doing something filled with more purpose and I do this to keep myself anchored to what is most meaningful.

My prayer for tomorrow is that I survive the day without being bitter towards the people I interact with.  That I learn how to embrace their idiosyncrasies and their weaknesses. Even to the point of being okay with how they treat me.  Perhaps this is what it means to be a Christian after all.  

When I need write randomly, I write in Tumblr.  When I need to write for my craft, I write on my public blog.  Why I need to analyze this every now and then is beyond me.  But it is to remind myself that there is still so much inside me that needs sifting.  And that includes how I feel about work.  This week has been long and while its about to end tomorrow I still feel that I have a long way to go.  I ended up doing a lot of work this week because I decided to put in my “I’m in the zone” hat that carried me through a semester of Financial Management and 8 months of written case analysis that came from 12 hours of reading 15 pages back to back of Harvard Business Review cases.  Why I refer back to this experience almost every now and then is because I still cannot believe how I lived through it.

That experience was a miracle.  And right now I am calling on that miracle to happen again.  I have been.  And this week seems to have been a good response.  I finished a complete production plan for a machine all by myself.  No training.  Nothing.  Complete with a template for calculating machine hours and machine schedule.  That’s probably not much of an accomplishment for others but for me who has no experience whatsoever in this and who has been demotivated for the past 6 months, this 13 slide presentation to my boss is a masterpiece.

I think every now and then, we need to pat ourselves on the back because nobody else will always do it for us.  I realized a lot about myself this week and I confirm it again.  If I set my mind to it, I can make things happen.  

The other day I was chatting with the boss’ daughter who happens to be a good friend and told her that if things do not work out in my job I will continue to support her vision to publish unknown writers like myself.  I told her about an idea for a book and she excitedly said that it can be our first fictional memoir.  It got me excited and grateful that despite the circumstances surrounding me as of late, I find these places (no matter how short) to breathe in.  God is indeed faithful.

The week almost ends and I need to get back on track with everything I have been reflecting about.  I need to find some grounding.